Posted on: 03 May 2024
[By Smt. Chhanda]
Part-1: Life before entry of Swami Part-2: Life after entry of Swami
Part 1: Life before entry of Swami
I will start this real story with a beautiful sentence “When you want God truly, God Himself comes to your life”. This has been a perfect reality in my life that has happened only by the grace of my God, His Holiness Shri Datta Swami. My life has no end to its joy as God Himself in the form of my Swami is present with me so closely. In fact, this is complete bliss for all the souls like me whoever has realized the presence of God in the form of contemporary human incarnation in their lives. There is nothing more precious than having God in my life. All this has happened only by the grace of my most beloved Sadguru, my Swami. So, at the very beginning I would like to prostrate at my Swami’s divine holy lotus feet as He is the maker of this whole story and I dedicate it to Him only with folded hands.
Childhood thirst:
I was born in a very remote village in Purulia district of West Bengal. The family in which I was born was little different from its surroundings but overall, it was very traditional from the spiritual point of view. The only different personality in my family was my father who instead of following all the traditions himself, never forced me to follow anything blindly as I was the only one who had a habit to question each and every ritual before following. I was never satisfied only by mechanically following the age-old traditional rituals. My mother is almost a perfect associate to my father as sometimes she behaved like others and used to deviate from the way, she usually suggested to me due to the fear of other elderly family members and other people. But overall, she is definitely not an average woman in my view. One example is sufficient to prove this. My mother probably is that rare mother who instead of following every tradition, allowed me to do puja in those days when normally girls are not allowed to perform any puja. She used to sprinkle Ganga water on my head and permitted me to follow my mind (few occasions I liked very much like Saraswati puja, Bhai Dwitia etc.) and used to pray to God that if some sins are incurred in this then it should come to her and not to me. This really used to touch my heart. So, in this way, both my parents are really different if I compare them with others. Probably God really had a different plan for me as whenever I sit and think, I come to the same conclusion every time that, if I was born even to my family’s other parents, I would not have really got the freedom to think on my own and that too follow as per my understanding. In my opinion, this becomes the second miracle in my life after granting me the human birth by God. By this miracle itself I become indebted to God for eternity. What more shall I expect from Him? This is one of the reasons why I feel that God Krishna has preached everybody through Arjuna for nishkam karmayoga in Gita. Can I ever repay these? No, never, it’s just impossible. So, that itself becomes the basis for nishkama karmayoga. But, our aspiration never ends. We take God only as the provider of whatever we want. Our basic culture becomes to ask God whatever we cannot have by our own efforts, God is there to provide me. Very fortunately, my father always taught me in a different way as I used to ask him lot of questions in very simple and innocent way being a child that time. He used to answer me in my way. Many times, I got convinced with his answers and many times not. But, never stopped asking questions on life and God. I always use to feel God around me but, never was satisfied with that feeling. I wanted to have God personally in my life where I can directly speak with Him, can spend time with Him and above all love Him.
I used to think like I want to love God but for that He has to come to me. Otherwise, how will I love Him? But at the same time, I was very much discouraged by thinking that why should God come to my life as I have no deservingness at all. What have I done for Him? And, also did not know what shall I do for this? No idea at all. But it was very sure that I wanted to have God personally in my life though I had no idea of human incarnation that time. How innocent I was! I used to think that God should be present in my life in the form of a human being but did not know that itself is the very basis of human incarnation. More difficult was to think of contemporary human incarnation. By the age of five or six, my father had advised me to read the “Amritakatha” section in the Bengali newspaper Bartaman. This section is specially dedicated to discuss about spirituality. Many a time, I could not understand it properly and used to complain to my father that it is not for me. But my father used to tell that if I make the habit of reading, I will understand at least one or two lines and one day I will be able to understand fully. So, I kept on continuing reading. That habit became so intense that even today, I am reading at least that part in that same newspaper. By the time I was little habituated with this, Ramakrishna Paramhamsa had already made a deep impression in my heart. I used to think about the fortune of Swami Vivekananda as he had Ramakrishna Himself as God in his life. Not only the story of Vivekananda, it was Miira Bai, whose story too had a great impact in my mind. The thought ‘how come is it possible that a five-year girl can devote herself to Lord Krishna and finally she dedicated her total life to Lord Krishna only?’ really made me to ponder over the level of devotion of Miira Bai and how God Krishna Himself is coming down to save her in each and every danger. That little girl picture left me speechless and I was attracted to her very much. I also started imagining how fortunate will it be if I too have God in my life! Probably that becomes the basis for worshipping Lord Krishna in my life. In my mind I started loving God Krishna very much among all the forms of God though I never told it to anybody. The story of Ramayana and Mahabharata definitely are no less contributory factors in the list of my inspirations. No doubt, it is Lord Krishna who attracted me the most. But as a student I thought it is Goddess Saraswati who should be worshipped by me as the primary one. I should not worship any other form. But my natural tendency always took me to God Krishna only.
Simultaneously, many things were taking place in my life which, I think were helping me in my spiritual life. We used to play in our Kaali Maata temple complex and each and every person who used to come and pray to God, they were always asking only about some favor from Divine Mother by describing their difficulties. More surprising for me was that people used to complain against God whenever they were not getting their desired things. This is what struck my mind. I started thinking that ‘is God only for this purpose?’. If He is granting what we prayed means God is seeing otherwise He is not able to see anything. I used to feel mental pain whenever I had this thought. In addition to this, people used to scold us who were playing in the temple complex as the children were making the place little dirty. They used to scare us by saying that Kaali Maata will come and eat us if we do like this. But I heard exactly opposite from one of the stories from my father where Kaali Maata is not only very loving nature but always favors the justice. So, I started going to the sanctum in such time when nobody will be present there and I used to converse with the Divine Mother on my own though I did not receive any words in response. I used to express so many things that were present in my mind and by doing this I developed a serious love bonding with God. In fact, I used to feel like when I am not there in my house who will take care of Mother Kaali as everybody is only asking to fulfill their desires. Otherwise, they have no feeling at all for Her. It became a habit for me to feel bad whenever I was out of home as very innocently, I thought of taking care of Her as if I can give Her the protection, Who is the protector of everybody. Even after feeling all these, I was never getting any satisfaction as I felt like when this statue will be in real form. Sometimes I used to touch Mother’s feet and all of a sudden, the thoughts like “Why these feet are not becoming real? How beautiful it will be if I am able to touch the hands in reality? And why these eyes are not really looking at me?” came to my mind and made me feel sad. Like this, so many questions used to rise in my mind and always felt very dissatisfied as no answer was there.
During this period, when I was in 7th standard, we went on a visit to Jagannatha Puri along with many others from our area. After visiting the main temple of Jagannatha, there was visit to another famous temple known as Sakhshi Gopal temple. The main priest of the temple was explaining to all of us about the history and significance of that temple. Suddenly, the priest asked someone to bring me as I was playing with other children in that same temple complex at a little distance away. One of my aunts, from the gathering, came to me and almost dragged me to the priest. He immediately caught hold of my hand and told everyone, “One day, Lord Krishna is going to marry this girl”. Then he took some sinduur and wanted to put it on my head on behalf of Lord Krishna. I immediately rejected him and told that I am not going to get married with a statue and then ran away from that place.
Like this my days were passing on but no result. Most of the time my mind used to be very heavy and sad. I have already shared my experience on Maha Shivaraatri, which is included here at the end of this write up. The thirst for having God personally remained there in my heart.
Coming to teenage and God’s intervention through various incidents:
With the thirst for God, I slowly entered into my teenage. With this, my questions regarding God also became more intense, especially in what way can I have God in my life personally. As a student I was naturally more inclined to Goddess Saraswati and that is the reason for being interested in Saraswati puja. This is the only puja where I felt little satisfaction as in our house this puja was never performed by any priest but by ourselves. I was in 8th standard and I remember very clearly that night around Saraswati puja. That night I went to bed and had a dream where I am going to visit the Saraswati idol that has been kept in our neighbor’s house. Though we used to perform puja but we never did any immersion of the idol. My dad used to tell why should we ask Goddess to go out of our house when we have already invited Her? So, we used to do puja with a small idol. But, in our neighbour’s house it was a big statue and the next day they were to proceed with the immersion. So, that night, in my dream I saw that I went to visit Mother Saraswati and nobody is present there. Though a barricade was there, I jumped over it and touched the feet of Divine Mother. To my surprise, I saw that the two divine feet became real. Not only this, the whole statue has taken the form of a real human female form (in an attire of typical Bengali saree with white body and red border) and is smiling at seeing me. I was in tears as I could not believe my eyes that what I used to think to attain in reality, has become a reality indeed, even though it is in dream. My happiness had no bounds. I touched Her divine feet and told Her that nobody believes me that God can come in reality.
She was looking at me very affectionately. I still remember very clearly that vision of Divine Mother. She told me not to worry as She will always be there with me. I was so happy to hear it. I further requested Her to wait for some more time so that I can call my parents and show them my Divine Mother. She nodded Her head. I immediately rushed to my home and told them to come fast as Mother is waiting there for us. All three of us came very fast but alas! She was not there in that form when we reached. We could see only the statue again. I was so sad at that time and my dream was over. Next morning itself I had very high fever. By the afternoon, my temperature rose very high and I started telling so many things without any realization. My father told whatever I was telling was all related to God only. Then my parents were forced to give me medicine as it was going out of control. After some time, the fever started coming down and my father immediately enquired me what alI I was telling about few moments back. I described him my dream in detail and started shivering. He put his hands on my head and very affectionately said, “Mum, increase your devotion more and more and always remember one thing. Never try to use God for fulfilling your own selfish benefits. You do upaasana more intensely.” Those were the words that made a permanent place in my mind in the direction of having God in my life. As I also had similar thoughts in my mind, these words really strengthened my belief. I started weeping in my father’s lap. That memory is still very fresh in my mind. This incident of Divine Mother’s vision in human form increased my thirst even more. It was also time to get serious about my studies and by the blessings of Mother Saraswati, I always managed to top in my class. In that sense, She made me sincere in my studies too.
Another very significant incident in my life was the death of my grand-uncle (grandfather’s brother). That time, I had just crossed 15. The day when he died, I observed that everyone was crying except me. I thought I must have some problem with me and it is probably mandatory to mourn at someone’s death. But, something very odd struck me that evening before taking the dead body for funeral. I suddenly asked my father, “Baba, why do I feel like everybody is crying for themselves only; not even a single member is crying for the departed person. Is my observation correct? Why do I feel like I am mad?”. I asked these questions in presence of others and probably it was little embarrassing for him to answer. He took me little aside and told me, “Mum, in what way shall I answer you? I am thinking what shall I answer you. You have asked a very genuine question in a very wrong time. What you are asking is absolutely correct. It is a very hard truth that whenever somebody dies, the other people cry for themselves only. No one cries for the one who has left. So, how can I tell you that you are mad. Your thinking is absolutely correct. But don’t tell all these to others. They may have a bad feeling for you.” He answered me very patiently even though he lost his own uncle that day. I moved one step ahead with this assurance and again asked him, “As whoever has come to this earth, it is sure that he/she has to leave one day. Then, who is the one who always stays with us? Is there anybody who stays forever with us?” This time my father’s answer was even more firm. He said very firmly, “Yes, there is one, who always stays with us. Now, it is your duty to find it out. And I am very sure, if you start searching, one day you will definitely have Him in your life. For that, you only have to put very sincere efforts. If I tell you, you may not feel it in proper way but once you search with your own efforts, you will definitely realize it’s value.” I was astonished to hear this answer but who is that entity, and how to have Him in my life was really not at all clear. In fact, I was thinking how to put the effort as I have no clue at all in which direction shall I move. But I was confirmed that it must be God and He only will show me the path. By this time, Goddess Saraswati had been fully replaced by God Krishna in my heart. Time was also taking me from my teenage to my youth. In this small period of time, I tried to go through the life histories of various human incarnations and very great devotees. Mahaprabhu Shri Chaitanya’s love for Lord Krishna was the most touching for me even though all other stories were so close to my heart. One spontaneous realization was that each and every incarnation had to pass through infinite number of difficulties in spite of being God Himself. So, where am I and what is my position! Even the great devotees also overcame difficulties and I decided in my mind that it is the difficult times only that can make a person great. If all these greatest personalities and God have to go through such difficult times, then I must not complaint ever about my fate as I am not even comparable to their feet dust. Theoretically, I welcomed difficulties probably. This might be the first stepping stone in the spiritual life of this insignificant soul.
Help of God in Youth time
From this point onwards, it all started in a different note. Earlier, I used to see many dreams and now, the intensity has gone up like anything. It all were now filled with horror dreams only and did not stop there itself. No one will believe if I say that the dream that ended almost at the morning, will again start in the next night exactly from the last point, where I left in the previous night. So much of struggle was there that I almost used to spend sleepless nights with full of tensions. But, one thing was common in all of these dreams, whatever may be the extent of tension, at the end of every dream, one unseen divine person (Swami) is always protecting me, be it in the mid of sea, from the hands of some gunda or from some other form of torture. I could feel that someone is coming and finally catches me and takes me out from that situation. That was the only positive thing about all the dreams. Always a divine person, who is covered with either blue or green dhoti but with unclear face, is coming all of a sudden and is giving me Abhaya (protection) that He is always there. By this time, I am already in my Physics honors, graduation course. That period was really the most struggling part of my physical and mental body as I had to travel like anything in totally two opposite directions throughout the day. But I must confess at the same time that this was a great learning period of my life. Though I started my day with a train journey at 4’O clock in the morning and came back home almost in the evening, God really was the most kind in that part of my life as I was saved every time from different difficulties, be it the scorching sun or the coolest winter, where if I close my eyes, condensed dews will come from my eye lashes or be it the rainy season and above all, from wrong persons as no one could be seen on the route from our railway station to home because my timings were very odd. My mother used to count the moments till the time I returned home. Such was the situation.
But, the most wonderful thing was that in those days, neither I fell sick ever nor I felt less energetic ever. Something was pushing me further always to put more and more effort. Though physically, I was not very strong at that time but by God’s grace, I never felt tired mentally. I used to enjoy the days like anything as if I am going through some dream. I was the only girl from that part of land who chose Physics as her subject of study as I always wanted to know why the world is like as it is. I had a thought like though the earth is rotating around the fixed sun in its own orbital, this arrangement of fixing the sun in its position and the rotation of the earth in its orbital must be done by someone else. Physics may explain how it is happening but who is doing that cannot be explained. Like this, many more ideas used to come to mind but again no answer was there with me. So, Physics became my most favorite subject as it can at least tell something. Most people felt sceptic about my study but there were many, who could appreciate my effort and some of them even prayed to God also so that my effort shall never go waste. They consoled me saying, “Not to worry, God will definitely see”. But my aim was to let me try as my father was always of the opinion that I shall put my maximum effort without even thinking the result. Otherwise, there is no meaning of study, which is not teaching me any human values. At the very beginning, he told me that he is not at all interested in how much marks I am scoring in the exam but how much understanding I have in my subject, will be more appreciable. So, I too was molded in that line only.
A very significant incident of that time was a severe acid burn accident of my brother during his chemistry laboratory class. It was concentrated Sulphuric acid and the accident happened due to somebody else’s negligence. My brother was seriously burnt starting from his forehead to knees completely. The left side was more severe. Inspite of all this, there was a wonderful miracle in that accident. Even though all the areas around his both eyes were burnt fully, his eyes were totally saved. Doctors were astonished to see this. We really had the toughest time so far in our life by this accident because our financial condition was not at par for this treatment. We had to borrow a huge amount of money for this. More challenging was how to behave with my brother as he was very introvert as well as angry kind of nature in person. The accident was so severe that small children used to get frightened looking at him. But thanks to God only that during that time, by His grace only, my parents guided us in such a soothing way in each and every step and because of their patience, not only we could pass through that phase, but also my brother was a completely different personality at the end and that too in a positive way. His anger got almost subsided. All of us felt that whatever God does, there is always something good behind it and we need to realize it. So, in this way, God really helped us tremendously.
Another very interesting incident took place during that time. One morning, we had to come back from my friend’s house after having my father’s eye surgery from the city of Purulia. Since our village is very remote, we had very bad transport communication on roads as well as by train. So, we had to come to our nearest town Raghunathpur from Purulia and then, had to change to another vehicle to reach our village. When we entered into an over-crowded mini bus after a lot of waiting and struggle, I suddenly heard a female voice from one of the very end seats and it was calling me by my name. My father also could hear that voice and we both were surprised to see a lady who is calling me and giving me direction by her hands and was asking me to come to her. Somehow with lot of difficulties, we could reach that lady. She suddenly started saying, “For so long, I am waiting here for you and you are so late. Can you not identify me? I am the one, who is always there with you and you are not even recognizing me.” She stood up and asked me to sit in her seat. I was denying but she almost forcefully dragged me to her seat and made me sit there. We were totally in trance. As soon as I sat, more surprisingly, that lady got disappeared. We tried to search her immediately but all our efforts went in vain. Finally, we got down from the bus and my father told me, “It was God who came to help you”. He again encouraged me to concentrate on God more intensely. Nobody could see that lady in the bus except us. This one incident was a real proof of God, coming down to us anytime and anywhere in real need. In my mind, I thanked God but felt very sorry not for recognizing Him.
By the grace of God, my academic results were very good but getting admission for my Master’s degree was really a tough one. After putting my best effort in study, my parents were feeling really very sorry about me that even after having so much of interest in study and no lack in putting efforts, I was really struggling to get my admission. Till then, the list was not out. Only by seeing the environment in the universities and from the experience of other students, we were really hopeless. But who would know, that even in this difficulty, God had some multipurpose plans for us. I wrote all the national level exams for this admission apart from applying to universities based on the honors result. During these processes, all my family members were experiencing many lessons. As I told, my village is very remote and during rainy season, there is no proper road at all to walk also. All the ways are full of mud only. In addition to this, electricity can’t even be thought of during the rains. After having a journey of around 180 km to even 400 km, myself and my father used to get down at our railway station in the night, where there won’t be presence of even a single person in that heavy rain. I used to feel very sad; not at all for me but for my father who had to suffer because of me. I made my mind long back that whatever may be the difficulty I may have to face in life, I have no problem as God can never be wrong. Many times, tears used to flow automatically seeing my father, even in that stage, used to inspire me like anything during the walk of 4km from station to our home in total darkness. The only light was from a small torch which could hardly solve any purpose in that heavy rain and lightning. I remember those confirmative words from my father till now. He assured me saying, “Mum, you don’t worry at all. God can never be wrong in anything. So never lose faith in Him. Whatever is happening, is for our good only. Whether the result comes out in the desired direction or not, it is not in our hand. At least we will have the satisfaction that from our end, there is no lack in putting efforts.
Whatever be the result, we will welcome it. And you are feeling sad about thinking me. Please don’t think like this. I take it in a different way. I feel that God has given me this opportunity to be with you through these apparent difficulties though I don’t feel it as difficult at all. We just need to face it. That’s all. And apart from that, being a father, is it not my duty to come along with you when you are trying your level best in such a good direction? So, just move on keeping faith in God.” These words bring tears in my eyes even now, whenever I thought of those days. In my surroundings, I never saw any parent with such supporting nature and giving lessons of faith on God and aspirationless self-effort in the real life. Stressing on keeping faith in God used to strike my mind like anything. In those situations, when we used to reach home, my mother could never speak anything as she used to be very emotional in those moments and was full of tears. And my brothers, who were not at all serious in studies, by witnessing these moments and my mother’s feeling towards me, they suddenly became very serious in studies. Like this, life moved on and finally, the day arrived when in the newspaper, we saw that I have scored 11th rank in the national level examination for BHU. That was not the only outcome, as the days kept on passing, we came to know that except one examination, I have scored high rank in almost all the national level exams and also my name has been shortlisted in the first list itself in all the universities wherever I had applied based on my graduation result. Our family was really very happy. God has really been very kind on us. Not only my higher study was confirmed but my brothers too became sincere. With one bow, two birds were shot. I too realized that if we really put hard work in any good direction, God always encourages us. So, my thirst for God again increased. Mentally I almost became like, “If God is watching me so closely, then why is He not appearing before me personally?”. Experiencing horrible dreams along with thirst for God and constantly putting lot of efforts in study, I became very serious internally although from outer appearance, I was always a light mood laughing girl. In materialistic life, I was always very happy, never had any thought of scarcity. Our family was very much satisfied with the minimum basic needs being fulfilled.
Now comes the days of my Master’s degree course in Banaras, the abode of Lord Shiva, the most sacred place, where people go purposefully to pray to God Shiva. The atmosphere there was even more intense for worshipping God Shiva but there was no change in my mentality. Even though I used to go to Vishwanath temple very frequently but every time, I came back with dissatisfaction only. In one of those days, I was blessed with the darshan of Swami Vivekananda for a long time in my dream, whom I could see very clearly with a divine light around his head. I could feel practically that he is approaching me only and I was stunned to see the reality. Finally, he reached me and we sat together and he asked me, “Tell me, what all are the questions in your mind? I know you have many questions for which you are searching for a long time. I will answer all your questions.” Then, I started asking him each and every question that I had in my mind and he answered me with lot of patience. We spent a long time together. But, the most amazing part of this whole episode is that though I remember each and every scene that I was blessed to spend with him, I don’t remember even a single word of that conversation. The only thing I remember is that Vivekananda came to me and sat with me. Even though I was very happy to get his darshan but I was really upset that after trying my level best, I was not able to remember anything. After this, again that unclear picture of a small divine personality started appearing before me and also two eternal divine feet. In those two divine feet, I could see myself as a dust particle in the Angushtha (thumb finger of the foot). But who this divine personality was, I could never see clearly. Many a time, I used to see this divine personality. Then, finally a day came when my very beloved Ramakrishna Paramhamsa appeared in my dream in His very natural form. I first could not believe that Ramakrishna Himself has come to me. I was so mesmerized to see Him. So lovingly He was looking at me. But immediately, I came into my natural mode and started fighting with Him for coming so late. I scolded Him, “Why don’t You come to me and stay with me forever? Do you not know that I am waiting for You for so long? You know everything and still don’t respond to my inner voice? I am always feeling Your absence in my life. Please come to me. I really want to have You in my life.” He was watching me with such a loving attitude and continuously smiling at me. Then He said, “O mad girl! I will come to your life one day. Don’t worry, you cannot live without me, I know. Have little more patience. You will definitely have me in your life.” I started crying to hear this and very affectionately, He kept His divine hands on my head and again gave that beautiful divine smile and disappeared. My dream was also over. I realized that it was only a dream but not reality. But His voice made my mind to think over it seriously. When and how He will come - I was clueless. I can only wait, that’s all but, confused internally. My friends used to go to Vishwanath temple for worshipping but I was always reluctant to go for statue worship. Two of us used to wait outside. One was an atheist and the other one was myself, who believed in God fully but due to dissatisfaction, used to wait outside. I used to tell my friend, that, though we do the same action externally but the intention was opposite. I was searching for God and my friend was stopping himself from being closure to God. What a creation!
Like this, my struggle for personal presence of God continued for some more time. I became busy again in my study as well as in preparation for all the national level examinations for research. I hardly used to get any time to ponder over God, but in the back of my mind, this pain was very much present. The result was experiencing more and more fearful dreams throughout each and every night. It was always extremely horrible situation and at the very end, that unseen entity comes to my rescue again. For many years, I almost had sleepless nights. Many friends even started to tell me that I might even kill someone as my dreams are so disturbing. In fact, a situation arose when I went to visit a psychiatrist for my mental health check-up in Banaras but fortunately or unfortunately, clinic was closed that day. Only my roommate in my hostel consoled me not to worry as I might be under lot of pressure thinking about all my study, family, future etc. She was the only one, who suggested something hopeful. Finally, the days in Banaras were to end without knowing anything about my future, be it in materialistic life or spiritual life. I was at a juncture of these two. But, due to God’s grace only whatever national level exams I wrote that year, I got selected in all of them with very good ranking again including BARC exam. Among all the options, I selected the job at BARC as it seemed to provide me a job guarantee as well as opportunity for higher study. God really had some other plan. We can only plan but the execution is totally in God’s hand. This is proved by this experience itself in my life.
Part 2: Life after entry of Swami
Finally, God’s entry in person to my life – fulfilment of my long-awaited day dream
Immediately, even before my result was out for Master’s degree, without even spending few days at home, I came to Mumbai to join as a trainee for one year and then joined as junior scientist. Joining our division in BARC, became the turning point of my life. As soon as I joined there, one month prior to that, Shri P Suryanarayana (Shri Surya, an ardent devotee of Swami) was deputed in the same section in my division. I was totally new to the job and effectively Surya Sir was also new to this particular work profile because before his deputation, he was involved in different kind of work. I was introduced to him. He is a very serious, gentle and shy natured person, who would even hesitate to talk to me, being a girl. We two were asked to work together as both of us will have to learn from the very beginning. So, the pre-era of my God’s entry to my life in person has already started. Surya Sir was already in Swami’s umbrella by that time and now, Swami made him as the instrument to take me through His spiritual knowledge. The very first discourse was on “Upavaasa” and surprisingly, this discourse itself was a miracle for me because from my childhood itself, I kept on asking that how can people attain God just by not eating food and more importantly, not even remembering God during that fasting time. My mind could never accept it. I was really thirsty to hear this true knowledge. The very first impression was “Yes, I got it. This is what I always wanted and I want someone, who can clear all my doubts related to God.” Though I had read something similar at some other places but no one could make it clearer in my mind. So, this very first concept itself struck my mind. The iron dust (me) for the first time automatically felt the very strong attraction of the strongest magnet (Swami). Next discourse was on Brahmachaari. That meaning too struck to my mind. Next comes even more interesting and more relevant. That is the discourse on miracle. Swami explained it in such a wonderful way by taking two examples of Lord Rama and demon Ravana that it just got embedded in my mind. I started reading whatever I used to get from Surya Sir. I used to take print outs without anybody’s knowledge and started reading at nights and used to discuss with my brother too. Like this, each and every discourse of Swami was so revolutionary for me. Not only revolutionary but also very logical and scientific too. Overall, I found it really magnificent, crystal clear and at the same time, not at all conservative. I made my mind that this is exactly the place, where I always wanted to be. And above all, the more interesting factor was that this is for the first time in my life I was seeing that somebody is declaring so strongly and openly not to expect anything in return and also any solution for their own problems while approaching God. We need to be aspiration free and be ready to face every difficulty in God’s way. If we feel this knowledge to be true, we may apply it in our lives or just can ignore it. This point itself was more than sufficient to confirm Swami as God.
In Swami’s preaching, maximum stress is given to the practical implementation of the knowledge. I was little afraid of this implementation part. I thought if I can’t apply the knowledge in my practical life, then all this is useless and it will just be a waste of such a marvellous knowledge. So, I need to practice it in all possible ways. I think this thinking was very genuine as I got the chance to implement His knowledge immediately in my personal life. By Swami’s grace, I got that opportunity also as this phase was the most horrible part of my life so far I had faced. Though I was not married at that time, my friend cum would-be-husband lost his mental control. He became very aggressive and I had no idea of how to pacify him as he went totally against his parents also. I was totally clueless of how to overcome that phase of life. Very silently, Swami arranged everything in a different way. At that moment only, He sent our very respected Phani Sir to Mumbai. I went to meet him to Surya Sir’s house. Before that, Surya Sir had told me many times that Phani Sir is a very good astrologer and suggested me to show my hand to him although Surya Sir, had no idea what I was going through in my personal life at that time. Swami has really blessed me to take everything in a positive way. In Surya Sir’s house, other people were also there who came to know their future and I was thinking about my opinion about it. After some time, my turn came and I went ahead to Phani Sir. As soon as I reached near him, I said to him, “I am sorry sir. I don’t want to know my future as I am very happy with whatever I have and I have not. I have full faith in God as I think He can never be wrong. So, I am always ready to face life. Whatever be there, let me face this beautiful life.” Phani Sir was surprised to hear my reply, I guess. He just looked at me and did not say anything. Then, after sometime it was time for us to come out of Surya Sir’s house. When I was coming out, Phani Sir called me and said, “Madam, I will tell you one thing. You will always be happy as you have full faith in God. I have never seen a person, who does not want to know his/her future. It is really a very good thing that someone has so much confidence in God.” I was really satisfied to hear his answer. The reason behind it was that I expressed my long-cherished wish without any hesitation to a person, who really was a God’s person. Since that time was already tough for me, I got little confidence to express in that way. But one thing was very sure, if I am not able to realize the value of this knowledge by practical implementation, then there is no meaning at all. It is as if the case of an educated illiterate person. So, I decided to practice it at any cost. After that, I tried to apply slowly whatever little I have understood from our Swami’s wonderful knowledge. I realized that the main problem lies in those points only, where this knowledge differs from my own thinking as I had to go against my own will power. But I could not stop myself as the knowledge was logically so powerful that I can’t even stand in front of it. So little is my capacity and so poor I am. Mind encouraged me to try in a better way. By Swami’s grace, the perfect kind of situation also arose, where even though feeling difficulty, I could apply Swami’s knowledge in a strong way this time. At the very first incident itself, I gained little confidence and it boosted me. I made my mind to apply it more and more. And it really worked like a magic. With time, I felt like I have become more confident; could develop more patience and also mind became more satisfied. From the childhood itself, I have been thirsty for such kind of knowledge like the Chaataka bird. Now I had tasted and started quenching that thirst. Slowly, I started realizing that I need to put more and more effort on practical implementation. Because from this knowledge only, I could come to know what is the purpose of my life (I always used to ask myself this same question and after getting the job this question became more prominent), how to achieve my goal and for that, what I need to know and do. Like these, I was fully satisfied with many other answers for which I was waiting for such a long time. Not only these, there are many more concepts which seemed to be beyond my capacity of understanding like advaita, vishishta advaita and dvaita (earlier I used to mug up these three and I forgot these every time because of confusion), how they are exactly similar in Christianity, why incarnation concepts are absent in other religions, how to identify contemporary human incarnation, what is the value of service and sacrifice for the sake of contemporary human incarnation and that too being totally aspiration free, the real meaning of salvation etc. There is no end to this list. If I start mentioning one by one, the list itself will be sufficient for a book. They were just mind blowing for me. It is really overwhelming to witness the extreme difficult concepts being explained in such a simple language. The more I tried to understand, the more I felt attracted. Then came the most favourite explanation for which I used to fight with people when I was a child. And that concept is the relation between Lord Krishna and Gopikas. Many times, people used to mock at Lord Krishna over this topic. What I could tell was that there can be nothing wrong when God is involved in any kind of activity, be it right or wrong in our eyes. But seriously, I had no logic to make them understand. I prayed in my mind several times to have this answer. Now, Swami cleared everything in one shot itself. Swami not only explained the relationship between Lord Krishna and Gopikas, but also revealed the secret behind Raasaleela and stealing butter from Gopikas’ houses for the first time in this creation. With very beautiful logic, Swami explained that the stealing of butter from the Gopikas’ houses were the tests that God wanted to carry out in their final birth and that too, it was for their final upliftment to Goloka. Revelation of this beautiful act of Krishna had impacted my mind so much that I myself used to get lost in some other world many a time. It was very clear that this knowledge cannot come from just a scholar because it has got that authenticity and other than God, nobody else can explain it in such a way and by listening this, our minds are just overwhelmed. At the same time, I could feel a very different kind of enjoyment in this knowledge (it was actually bliss, which I could not feel at that time). This phase started continuing from then onwards.
On the other hand, I observed a huge change in my sleeping. The intensity of the horror in my dreams have come down drastically and the frequency of seeing those two divine feet and that unclear picture started increasing. For the first time in life, in the morning I had a fresh feeling of a new day. Never before, I felt so energetic in the morning though Swami had really taken care of my mental state in the yesteryears as I think it is really difficult to keep cool if such terrific is the intensity of the all-over-night-dreams are and not only that, they used to continue in the next night too. As I already told that I could have gone mad but Swami did not allow it to happen. In fact, here in Mumbai too, I went to the psychiatrist once to have an opinion about my mental status. This time, I could meet the doctor. He in fact rejected my suspicion saying that since I had come to him for consultation on my own, that itself is the proof that I had no problem. He added one more thing that my mind comes in a rare set of minds which always keeps on working; does not want to take rest and that is the reason, I used to get all those dreams. I still wonder about it. But of course, I was much relieved. Now that my sleep has improved a lot, again Shri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa appeared before my eyes. Again, He started scolding me saying, “O mad girl! Why are you not worshipping me? Even today also you are searching me. I know you cannot stay without me. So, start worshipping me as it is your wish only.” And His divine smile told me many things and provided me the abhaya. Still, I shouted at Him in my own natural way saying, “No, I will not worship You as You are not always staying with me. You please come and stay with me. You know for how long I am searching for God to be there in my life personally. Still, You are appearing occasionaly. I must be having false devotion and that is the reason, You are not staying with me.” I started crying in front of Him. Then, He kept His divine hands on my head caressing the hair and very firmly said, “You wanted me. I must come to you but not in this form. I will come in a different form. Your time has come. Very soon I am coming to you in person as per your wish. Don’t worry at all; I will definitely be there with you in person.” Then, He brought His divine face near mine and very affectionately smiled and disappearing showing His abhaya. I could not do anything else other than weeping in happiness.
Again, it all strengthened me but I became impatient thinking when that time will come. By this time, I have already decided Swami as my God and also had started worshipping Him only for quite a long time. But I must confess what I felt that time. Probably in my subconscious mind, I was having a doubt what if I may go wrong in this most difficult decision. Sometimes my mind accepts and sometimes rejects because so many cases of fraud gurus were there in those years. I have gone to various spiritual gurus before this and frankly speaking, other than Swami’s knowledge, nobody could convince my mind. But, He Himself is the God - was the toughest decision from my side. I may go wrong in my analysis and there is none with whom I can discuss this thing. I could have discussed it with Surya Sir of course but due to lot of problems in our office and Surya Sir also was not involved in working with me due to dirty mentality of some people. Surya Sir being a very gentle person, I could not dare to contact him thinking that because of me, he may fall in trouble. Though I fought very strongly with wicked people, Surya Sir was actively involved in working. I did not want him to face any difficulty because of me. The situation was very tricky as people from office used to come to my home also to check many things. But there also, the implementation of Swami’s knowledge only was proved to be the perfect one. As Swami says, as per my little understanding at that time, I tried to fight with the thought that let me atleast stand against the injustice without expecting anything in result as this pleases God. As the thinking, so is the action. Lot of difficulties (apparently as I feel now) I had to face but the most surprising outcome was that I observed myself in a very comfortable state of mind unlike my status in earlier times in similar situations. I was more confident and started to face life even more boldly. This same phase kept on continuing for some more years. This one was the professional side of my life and my personal life was also equally disturbed during the same period of time as I have discussed earlier. Because of Swami’s knowledge, I took it as an opportunity to see whether this time, I will be able to pass it or not. I once again applied Swami’s knowledge and this time, it came out to be even better. I was not only undisturbed but also practically felt how spiritual knowledge helps in facing worldly difficulties without any negative effect.
I just could not believe that for so many years God was helping me to win over the situations. That was the final call for me that I really have to apply Swami’s knowledge in all parts of my life so that I can make God happy. Then came the final day when I got the most significant and beautiful dream of my life. That night, I saw the milk ocean on which two boats were coming towards each other from two opposite directions. On one boat, I saw Shri Ramakrishna Paramhamsa standing in His own folded hand posture and from the opposite direction, it was our Swami who was also standing in His abhayahastam posture with a divine smile on His face. Both the boats are approaching each other slowly as if it was properly planned for me to witness the divine scene to its fullest. Even now, when I close my eyes and think about this scene, I get lost in those very small waves of Milk ocean. The beauty of that scene on the Ksheer sagar (Milk Ocean) and on that milk, the two human incarnations approaching each other with divine smiles is just unforgettable. Finally, the two boats came very close and were about to touch each other. Then happened the most wonderful thing of that dream. Suddenly, Shri Paramahamsa and my Swami merged with each other. Swami came forward being the present and Shri Paramahamsa went into backward indicating the past. Swami smiled by looking at me and then the beautiful voice of Shri Paramahamsa reached me while directing His finger towards Swami and said, “Look at Him. You wanted me always. I told you that I will come to you and see now, I only have come in a different kaya (body). He is none other than me. You cannot stay without worshipping me, I told. Now that time has come. You start your worship.” After saying this, He again gave me that divine smile and disappeared slowly. Then, at that moment itself, I understood that for this only He was indicating me for so many years. I did not even have a little iota of doubt about Swami being God Himself but this merging incident stamped it. I really felt myself as the most fortunate soul on this earth that one past human incarnation is directing me to His other form, that too as my contemporary human incarnation for whom I have waited like anything. This whole episode shows that if somebody really wants God from the bottom of heart, God Himself reaches to him/her as there cannot be any chance of error in that case. Otherwise, if I search on my own and decide some fraud guru as my Sadguru, then the whole idea is lost because my intelligence is just insignificant. There is every chance of missing the real concept. So, it is better to let God take all my decisions. In this way, finally God in the form of my Swami, came personally to my life with whom I can have all the four fortunes. I can see Him, touch Him, talk with Him and also can stay with Him. I feel His presence in and out of mine. After this very incident, I never saw those two divine feet and also the unclear picture of that divine personality because by now, there was no doubt about it. This incident only confirmed it that what I used to think in my mind was correct and it was Swami only. I also realized that so far, whatever good things have been taught to me either by my father or somebody else, it was Swami, who spoke through them as He is the source to all these good things. Thank You Swami for taking care of this fool soul from the birth itself (as You only have revealed the prophecy during my birth, nobody else could even think in that direction) to till date. So, once again I conclude whatever good has happened to me, it is only because of You. There is not even an iota of doubt in this.
Then, He allowed me to be in His service. I am now fully satisfied that though I have no capacity to make Him please but at least, by His grace, I am able to put some effort in that direction. I have always waited to worship my God directly and He only has fulfilled that. He has given me much more than what I wanted. It is nothing but His grace. He accepted me so lovingly. I feel like I am on top of the world. But by His knowledge again, I stay grounded. I never feel Him to be away from me even for a second. He personally revealed so many things to me, thinking of which I go mad as they are just not possible by none other than God. You accepted this gravel stone and reformed it. That is what God does even with a sinful soul also. But I must say, once You have come to me, never leave me alone, be it this birth or all my future births. Let me be at Your two divine feet only. Now since You are there in my life, I promise that each and every effort of mine will be in the direction of giving You pleasure. It’s not my happiness, I will always try to make You happy through each effort. I want to really fulfill the purpose of my life and will always love You, no matter whatever happens to this soul. The only thing that I desire from You is that if in any moment, I forget to love You or misunderstand You and become selfish, please don’t hesitate to take away my life because there is no meaning of life if the love for You is missing. I have realized that I have come to this earth only to love You and I want to fulfill it at any cost. O Swami, my God, please accept this request of this devotee.
"O the Supreme Lord! I want nothing from You. Since You are the source of everything, I want You only. I want to serve You, not just to feel blissful all the time in return, but only to make You simply happy. “
Maha Shivaraatri special
This auspicious day is a very special day in my life from spiritual side. So, I thought of penning down to share the experience of this day with all. I am from a very remote village in Bengal where people celebrate this Shivaraatri as the marriage day of God Shiva and Goddess Parvati. So, in our village people take lot of preparations, keep fasting and do many ritualistic things, of course without any understanding. They follow very strict traditions on that way. As our family is a part of this society, we also have to follow some rules. So are my parents. By Swami’s grace, we have very good relations with almost everyone. But at one point, my mother had to suffer because of me for no fault of her and at the same time, I too did not make any mistake. On all the festival days, I always used to argue with almost all my senior family members as we were in a joint family. They used to ask me to go to perform puja on such special days. Whenever they used to ask me to keep fasting, my immediate question to them was “If I keep fasting, will God really come to me by that?” No one had any answer and I, the poor girl, became clueless. In fact, I used to ask the same question to many other people who used to keep fasting on many such special days.
Shivaraatri day has a greater significance from another point of view also. As this day is celebrated as the marriage day of God Shiva and Goddess Parvati, most parents used to send their daughters or all the unmarried girls specially to perform this puja, with the belief that one day they will also be married to a person who will have qualities like God Shiva. How ignorant they are! And everyone in the village really enjoyed this day. I was the only exception to this, who never wanted to go to temple for any puja. But my mother forced me to do that as she had the peer pressure of hearing “Your daughter is a unique piece in this whole world who is beyond creation (in Bengali, the word is Shrishtichhara, in a negative sense). How can she dare to think that by doing this type of puja, she is not happy? She is so sinful. This type of thinking itself will bring inauspicious things to you and your family. You please make her understand at least the minimum so that in future she will be little rectified. It is your responsibility as a mother”. I now think what my mother would have to face really? So unfortunate she was. But my mind was never ready to get satisfied with such pujas. Every time I used to go to Shiva temple, my mind started asking me “Where I am pouring the milk/water? Will this really reach God? If it really reaches Him, then why is He not coming to me? Why is He not talking to me? Why this Shiva lingam does not turn out to be a real one so that I can really touch it? O Lord Shiva, are You really listening to my words? I am so pained by not seeing You. Please come to me. If this is really a puja, then probably I am not worshipping You properly. I must not have that devotion for You. Why don’t You come to me?” All these questions used to move around my mind and finally I used to come out of temple without even a smile on my face.
And after not getting any reply from my God, I really used to be frustrated enough. Immediately, someone or the other will observe me and report it to my home. As my nature is always a laughing one, they could identify easily and used to get puzzled that why this girl is not happy after doing puja. Little did they understand what was going on in my mind. My mind used to be really heavy and also loaded with some negative thinking. I started to think sometime that I must be really mad as everybody else is able to do puja happily and I am the only one who is not at all enjoying, in fact grieving. I tried to change my thinking but alas! It does not last for a long. I used to be back to my original state of mind. In addition to this, on each and every such day, I used to lose one or the other item like glass/pot/plate or some other item without fail as I am always very poor in worldly matters. Since I am from a very lower middle-class family, I had to bear the additional scolding for this too. By all these experiences, my mother was really worried and used to weep by thinking about my future. At these moments, it is always my father who came to my rescue. He never said anything to me for such behavior of mine. In fact, he used to scold my mother saying that she should not force me to do such kind of pujas. Whenever I will be convinced enough, I may do it on my own. He kept on telling with a sad tone, “It is our fault that we are not able to show her the right way. Our daughter is really different from others. She is full of questions and because of our incapability, we can’t provide her the answers. Till the moment she does not get all her answers, she will behave like this only. We need to have patience.” After this, he used to add one more sentence to my mother “God Shiva loves her very much. So, He Himself is accepting that lost item as a token of love from her. Don’t worry”. Like this each and every festival including Durga Puja, we had to face this situation. In fact, on the Maha Ashtami Day of Durga puja, I don’t remember even a single year when I did not cry. That is another story.
So, this was the ambience in my village. Now, when I sit and think with a clear mind, I try to analyse it properly. If this would not have happened, was it ever possible for me to have You, my Swami, my Lord in my life? As those are the days, which have only increased my desire to have God in human form in this life itself. I don’t deserve any credit for this really as I know very well that it is not possible for me to reach You on my own. It is always You, with Your own kindness, were watching all these and came to me in person, whom I wanted very badly. Swami, You are too good and really have no end to Your kindness.
Now the situation is totally different. I don’t feel happy but blessed as long back what I wanted, You finally granted. You have responded to my inner voice so strongly and blessed me with Your presence in this present life itself. I never thought of it really, I confess. Not only Your presence, You showed climax of love by visiting our home in the last December month for a few days. For the first time ever, I experienced the bliss of bhagyachatushtaya for at least sometime. Though You have blessed this to me for quite a few times, but Yourself staying at our home crosses all the limits of satisfaction. Still, I am not at all satisfied really. I want it more in this life itself. You only know whether that fortune is there in my life or not. In those few days, I was always praying that these days should never end. But alas! It can’t be like that. Those days became the treasure for my whole life. As I was waiting badly to worship You directly and do whatever service possible to You, You did not even give me the opportunity to feel how undeserving I am but also showed so much of satisfaction as if I did not have any fault at all when the reality is totally opposite. I am full of faults only. Watching You 24X7 is altogether a different divine experience. Starting from providing toothpaste in the morning to one cup of milk before sleep was such a wonderful divine journey. You behaved like a very ordinary person and gave me the opportunity to serve You in this way. Everyday, providing You the hot water for bathing and to wash Your clothes was such a fortune for me. Sometimes, I could not guess the proper temperature of either water or milk for drinking, You made me so comfortable and did not even scold for a single occasion. It was winter that time here, and You allowed me to apply moisturizer on Your divine face and feet. I consider this as a divine service to You and this is my real puja for my God. You showed the patience which should have been shown by me. Again, ignorant me, could not understand anything in time and did many improper things but You did not mind at all. O Swami! How shall I reciprocate You? I really don’t know. You know everything about all my shortcomings, still You turned them all into good direction. You accepted the food that we offered to You with so much love that we all were amazed when we realized that every time, there was some or other flaw there. Providing a towel to socks itself gave me such bliss. This is the way I could do my worship to You directly and personally. “O God! Please don’t take away this time from me” - my antaraatma (inner soul) was telling always. With all my defects, with my head down and with folded hands, I would like to beg to You again that please give me more such opportunities to serve You so that one day at least, I will be able to please You. You have proved in my life to say others proudly that if someone really wants God in his/her personal life, God Himself will come to him/her. This is what is the most important and sacred lesson that I learnt by having You as my Sadguru. Though I have never followed any traditions, which everybody around me followed, You still came to me and made my life the most blissful and sacred like the thorn that turns into scared ash. This is my puja for You, my God. Thank You for accepting it with all my drawbacks.
In fact, I conclude by requesting You that please provide me whichever way I deserve, but make sure that You will always come to me in person. Whatever may be the suffering, I am ready to accept because You have made me realize a wonderful lesson which is that through whichever way You come, it is the best way.
Swami, You always say that You are always there with me from my birth itself. But I, the real sinful, never recognized You. In all the situations, I always have felt Your presence around me but could not identify You, my Supreme being. I feel so sorry for that even today also. Today is again that Shivaraatri day when I have You as my Lord Shiva with me. I can perform real puja now. You have blessed me like anything. Though I am not doing any service, I can only remember You and offer my puja through mind only. With tears in my eyes, I can say, Swami there is no one, who could hear and see all my untold sacred desires. You fulfilled everything which I never even expected and in return I really cannot pay You back anything. I can only take from You as You are always the giver. Now also, I will request You again to kindly be there with me as You were always there in order to fulfill my all time and only desire to have You fully in my life and nothing else. O Lord Shiva, please make this Shivaraatri day as the actual Shivaraatri day by accepting my puja. This soul wants to see itself always at Your divine lotus feet only. Thank You Swami for everything.
At the divine lotus feet of Yours Swami, Chhanda